To know you is to love you

There is a wonderful feeling of satisfaction and security in a relationship when two lovers feel known and understood by each other.

When you truly love someone you would like to know and understand everything you can about that person’s world. This is true for any relationship. Mothers often say to their children, „I know you like the back of my hand.” This is easy to understand because of the deep intimate connection between mother and child.

Such intimate connection, however, should be no different between two people in a romantic love partnership. Brian Adams sang it in an upbeat tempo: „I want to know you like you know yourself,” in his song „Inside Out.”

People who enjoy blissful love relationships are intimately familiar with their partner’s likes, dislikes, perceptions, joys, and stresses. They know what makes him/her happy or sad, what matters most or least in his/her life. Such people will be able to predict what their mates would do if they suddenly won the lottery. Or they could say how he/she would react, if that person’s immediate boss just got fired from the company.

Of course, the opposite is true for relationships that are not functioning well. Here’s an example. A woman came home, her face bursting with excitement. She said to her husband, „I’ve just won the ten million dollar lottery. Start packing.” The husband, also overtaken with joy, rushed to the closet to select his luggage. He hesitated, „What should I pack, should I pack for the mountains of for the beach?” The woman replied, „I don’t care where you go; just get the heck out of here.” Talk about being out of touch with your mate’s feelings!

Stay connected

In the earlier stages of relationships, people eagerly want to learn as much as they can about their partner’s world because falling in love is exciting. Remember the many hours on the telephone when you were getting to know each other? And the long conversations that kept you awake until the wee hours of the morning and in bed until midday on Sundays? Harvard psychiatrists Richard Schwartz and Jacqueline Olds, in their book Marriage in Motion explain that in a relationship two people are never at a standstill. They are either moving closer or further apart. When the movement is toward each other, they experience a state of joy and excitement in the relationship because of the novelty in discovering each other.

But as they become more familiar with their mates, they become less enthusiastic about the discovery process. This does not necessarily mean that they have lost interest. Albert Ellis, PhD., says that excitement diminishes as curiosity about a mate is satisfied. People begin to feel they know their mates as well as they need to. But remember, as the world changes, so do perceptions, desires, and personal insights.

It is therefore necessary to keep the channels of communications open so you feel the desire to keep each other up to date with emotional developments in your lives. Also knowledge of each other’s world comes in handy in times of turbulence in your relationship. For example, you may be experiencing pressures from in-laws and question where true loyalty lies. But you already know your mate’s position on this subject; therefore you are better equipped to weather the storm. Intervention from well-intentioned but over-enthusiastic in-laws can be a major cause of quarrels between couples.

Intimacy: Tips On Staying Connected

1. Make time to catch up on what’s happening in each other’s lives.

No matter how busy you are, always take a moment to catch up on each other’s day. For example, you are rushing to get ready to leave the house in the morning when your mate says, „I had a strange dream last night.” Instead of saying, „Look I’m already late, I haven’t got the time to listen right now,” take a minute to hear at least some part of what your mate has to say. Then say, „That sounds real strange. Let’s talk about this later when I get home. I want to hear more but I’m in a rush right now.” Dreams may not be as important to you as to your partner, but by listening carefully, you can learn something about your mate’s innermost thoughts. If you show no interest, your partner may withdraw and keep such matters to himself/herself in the future.

2. Make your relationship the highest priority.

To some people, this is easier said than done. Martin, an industrial steel worker, complains how tired he is at the end of the day. „Yes, she wants me to spend time talking and doing silly things to keep the relationship going. But I am more interested in using the time to make sure there is always money to cover the bills at the end of the month.”

Karen is a human resource manager at a large company. Her job is satisfying, but she became scared when she thought it caused her to lose interest in sex. Her husband Ralph understood that she was under pressure at work but after six months of no sex, he, too, became anxious. They both agreed to seek professional help. „I knew I still loved my husband, and I too miss having sex. But once I’m in bed, I feel so stressed out that I do not feel the urge to have sex. I just don’t know what to do,” she explained to the therapist.

Karen was able to work on ways to scale down her responsibilities at work so her life could be less stressful and she could pay more attention to her marriage. There was a good ending to Karen’s story, but unfortunately for many couples this often means the end of their relationship.

We all have many responsibilities but we should place them second to the responsibility of maintaining a healthy relationship with the one we love. Think about it this way: If your health depended on maintaining a happy relationship with your love partner, would you make it a priority? Well, in some cases it does. Numerous studies have shown that people who enjoy a healthy love relationship live longer and lead healthier lives. One study shows that an unhappy marriage increases the chances of becoming ill by 35% and can shorten one’s life by an average of four years.

3. Have conversations with each other regularly.

Seize every opportunity you get to talk with your mate. This means while eating, while driving, in the supermarket, and other places. This may seem like simple advice, but many people are always otherwise engaged when in the presence of their mates. I am referring to people who sit at the lunch table flipping through a magazine while eating, or to the man who prefers to listen to the radio while driving with his wife. There is plenty of time to do these things when they are alone, so why not take the opportunity to discuss matters of mutual interest when they are together?

At least once a week, make a date to go out for dinner and just talk. What do you talk about? TV talk shows, the weather, the war against terrorism, your boredom at your job, your fantasy about owning your own clothing store, your disappointment with your life, your desire to spend time alone, and whatever else you have on your mind. Bringing your mate up to date with your current thoughts keeps the relationship alive. It also prevents your relationship from falling into a rut by making each other aware of the things that no longer serve the relationship.

I always remember the woman who said to me, „I don’t know what happened. Everything was going fine. I mean, we had our differences like everyone else but nothing, so big as to cause him to leave me so suddenly like this.” Sometimes it’s not the big issues but many small ones that cause the problem. It’s the last straw that breaks the camel’s back.

Keeping each other current with your thoughts, your dissatisfaction with certain aspects of the relationship, negative thoughts, etc., avoids a build-up of complaints that can overwhelm you both. Remember the purpose of a partnership: One may be good in finding loopholes in financial matters while the other is more sensitive to emotional issues. The partnership runs smoothly when each person brings his/her expertise to the table.

4. Make your partner your most important relationship.

It is extremely important that your relationship with your love partner be the most important of all your relationships. No other relationship should take priority over the one you share with your mate.

„Of course, that goes without saying,” you say. Yet I have seen many couples develop other relationships that compete with the relationship between themselves and their mates. Why? Because no matter how special our mates may be, no one person can satisfy your every need for stimulation. Other relationships provide the extra stimulation. A man may find that, no matter how hard she tries, his mate cannot become fascinated by his hobby of collecting model trains, so he maintains a group of friends who share his enthusiasm with his hobby. He may develop close relationships with such friends even when not in the pursuit of his hobby. If your interest or that of your mate shifts away from each other and outside of the relationship, you could be heading for problems.

5. When in difficulty, turn to each other.

Celia found she began frequenting bars and nightclubs with her friends from work. Before they were married, Jim and Celia both enjoyed nightclub hopping; at times, they would stay out until the wee hours of the morning. But Jim lost interest in the nightlife. They went out a few times, but unlike before, it seemed like Jim had to make a special effort to enjoy himself. So when some of the guys and girls from the office suggested they go out for a drink after work, she saw no reason not to go without him.

The trouble came when one of her co-workers began showing interest in Celia and she was enjoying it. Luckily for them, Jim and Celia had a strong relationship. She decided to turn to her husband and explain the whole story. By themselves and with the help of some psychology books, Jim and Celia were able to solve their problem. They were able to understand that the reason Celia was attracted to her co-worker was not because she no longer loved Jim. It was because she had found the missing stimulation she no longer had with her husband. The co-worker was just part of the package. The important lesson to learn from Jim and Celia is to turn to our mates instead of elsewhere whenever we face serious problems in our relationships.

This point should be taken seriously because sometimes we develop close friendships outside of our primary relationships. There is nothing wrong with intimate outside friendships (in many cases, they help us with our primary relationships) but we should not allow these friendships to pull our intimacy away from our primary relationship: You may be familiar with the buddy relationship system women share with their friends. In some cases, they share more intimate information with their buddies than with their husbands. If, for instance, their husbands made a negative comment about their mother, instead of saying, „I don’t like it when you speak that way about my mother,” they would call their friend to express their dissatisfaction with their husband’s actions. If you find that you are more comfortable discussing intimate matters with someone who is not your mate, stop and determine why. It could be a signal of future problems.

Intimacy: The Need For Social Acceptance

Our entire lives are, to a great extent, influenced by the society in which we live. If we were to examine our conscious choice to get married or enter into a long-term relationship, society has an influence on it. We must, however, be aware that left uncontrolled, social pressures can play a major part in the destruction of our marital relationships. For some couples, their life script is already written by their families and societies even before they tie the knot. So although it may seem they are free to choose their lifestyles, they live under unspoken but constant pressure from their families. It would be considered a betrayal, for instance, if the offspring in certain ethnic families decide not to have children.

When Ann Marie, a 28-year-old credit manager for a small company, told her father that, after the wedding, she and her fiancé plan to work part-time and travel around the world for a few years, he suggested that she call off the wedding. He believed they should have children right away.

It is comforting to know that we have the strength and goodwill of our families behind us when we decide to begin a new life with our partners. We know our families would want what is the best for us. And even though we welcome their advice, we (our mates and ourselves) are ultimately responsible for our lives. One of these decisions ought to be our primary relationship takes precedence over everything else.

Building structure

When couples struggle to build a base for their future – the dream house, savings in the bank and planning for children – they sometimes do this at the cost of their marital relationship. They believe it is so important to accomplish these goals that they put their emotional growth, personal development, and desires on hold.

Usually, this happens by mutual consent. So when he says it’s more economical to stay at home when she wants to go out for the evening, or when she tells him if she has sex now, she will be too tired to work the night shift at her part-time job, they understand each other. This can result in the loss of passion for the relationship. After a number of years, the couple may become more like business partners than husband and wife.

Some couples survive this period and remain together until they achieve their objectives. But in the majority of cases, they drift apart, sometimes never regaining the closeness they once had.

Somewhere along the way, one or both may feel the pressure and want to slow down. They may realize that they have bitten off more than they can chew, but they feel that it is a sign of weakness to renege on their commitment to each other. Underlying all this is the desire to live up to the expectations of their families and communities. They want to do what is expected of them, so, like soldiers, they proceed to complete their mission.

If such couples had taken time to create intimacy earlier in their relationship, they might have been able to drop their armor and discuss their feelings with each other. They may have realized that sometimes changing your mind is a sign of strength and maturity, and not always a sign of weakness.

During the period of structure-building, one or both parties may find the intimacy they desire elsewhere. Sometimes this leads to sexual gratification outside the relationship, which, at worst, can destroy their efforts to achieve their original objectives.

This situation is not limited to those wanting to build a financial future for themselves and families. Even people who are well established are sometimes driven to further their achievements for various reasons. Sometimes it’s nothing more than keeping up with the Joneses.

About the Author:

Advertising copywriter and seasoned researcher Peter Hector knew something was wrong after his second marriage ended in divorce. He then spent five years of research bent on discovering why like him so many people end up in failed relationships.

As a result he has been happily married for 10 years and lives with his wife Diomira in Toronto, Canada. He provides explanations and answers you can use as a guide to create strength in your own relationship.