How do we prevent feelings of resentment from entering into our loving relationships? In exploring this all-important issue, I feel it is critical that we remember, first, that not one of us in the world today can forecast what the future holds for us. On rare occasions, we may accurately predict that something will happen one minute from now, but even the best of psychics cannot know, for sure, all that will occur months or years into the future. We can plan for our future, set goals, and take action to achieve our aspirations, but, ultimately, the future is really out of our hands. That is the magic of life: that unknown factor that makes each day so wonderful and exciting. Waking up in the morning, we never know what will take place that day. We only have a broad sketch based on the activities we have mentally planned for that day.

Such is the case in all aspects of our lives, whether it is career, family, or a loving relationship: there is that unknown factor that makes life so sweet. Do you think that Bill Gates, as a young man working in his parents’ garage, knew that 25 years later he would head one of the largest technology companies in the world? Did Bill know that he would marry Melinda, one of his employees? I don’t think so. Such is the case for all of us. I meet couples daily. Having a curious nature, especially when it comes to exploring aspects of love and relationships, I always ask couples how they met one another. For some, it was love at first sight. For others, they were childhood sweethearts who grew together first as friends, and then, later on, as lovers. For many, it was a chance meeting. Often, there was no attraction at the beginning, but over time a bond of friendship and love developed. The point I am trying to relay is that we cannot predict our future, financially or relationship-wise. If you meet your future spouse in college and marry after graduation, you have no idea what the future holds for you in your relationship with your partner, or in your career. All you can do is plan with confidence together to fulfill your goals and aspirations, individually and as a couple.

Committed, loving relationships are, in my opinion, one endless conversation that hopefully will last a lifetime. The conversations that you have at the beginning of your relationship are especially important; these early conversations with your partner can help prevent any feelings of resentment that might arise later on in your life together. I feel that each member of the couple needs to dialogue with the other about his or her goals and desires: both goals for him or her, as an individual, and goals for them, as a couple in a loving relationship. One important area to discuss is the matter of career and finances. Does it really make any difference that one makes more money than the other? That one partner is a doctor and one is a construction worker? That one partner stays home with the children and one partner is the breadwinner? What if the future brings an unexpected change in your finances? Even if one partner starts out, clearly, as the major breadwinner, you never know when an inheritance, the lottery, a business deal, the stock market, or, God forbid, an accident, may drastically alter your financial picture. Should the differences in your net worth or earning power make a difference to you, as a couple? No… I feel it should not make the least bit of difference at all in a secure, loving relationship. Unfortunately, however, relationships are ending at an alarming rate because of such problems.

Career and finances is one area of relationships in which feelings of resentment may arise. Perhaps the partner who is the primary breadwinner feels that he or she is carrying too much of the financial burden; as stress rises on the job and leisure time feels scarce, he or she may come to resent having to be „the responsible one” in the couple. A partner who stays home with the children may come to feel overworked and underpaid; he or she may resent that all the work done in the home brings no prestige and little acknowledgement. It is not uncommon for friends and family to pass on their judgments and opinions, as well, to fuel this resentment fire. When, suddenly, one partner is feeling resentful of the other, we may find ourselves wishing that we could turn back the clock and have those important early conversations with our partner. If the conversations had occurred, and a solid foundation was in place, these issues might not be shaking up the relationship now. However, we cannot turn back the hands of time and change the past.

How do we overcome these feelings of resentment, and, more importantly, fear that enters our lives? My thoughts in answering this question drift back to when I was growing up in a very large, multicultural, metropolitan city in Canada. I attended school with children from varied ethnic and cultural backgrounds. Many were recent emigrants from war-torn and poverty-stricken countries. They came to Canada to find a free and safe place, with opportunities, in which to raise their families. When I visited my school chums’ homes, it was not uncommon for me to see many family members living together under one roof. These people all worked hard and pooled their resources to buy homes for one another and bring other, less fortunate, family members to Canada. I have fond memories of these childhood visits, especially of someone’s Grandma enticing me with delicious home baked goodies. These families were a team: living, working, and helping one another to succeed in their new homeland. There were no scoreboards and no feelings of resentment: each person contributed to the best of his or her abilities for the common good of the family unit. Today I recognize the love these families had with no fear, resentment, jealousy, or judgment for one another.

Feelings of resentment are easy to overcome, as long as each person is willing to participate in conversation to extinguish these feelings. It is never too late for dialogue with anyone, especially your loved ones, and, most importantly, your partner. In many cases, couples would benefit from the assistance of a therapist or counselor, to help them get their relationships back on track. It is much easier to repair what was once a loving relationship than to start over: trust me, I have been there before, myself. I recognize today that life is not a scoreboard. A loving relationship is a combined team effort between two individuals. Loving relationships are not built on careers, business, family heritage, dollars and cents, resentment, or fear. They are built from teamwork: each person contributing and doing his or her best. Practice The Art of Loving daily with love, trust, and respect for one another and enjoy your journey in rising love together.

About the Author:

The Art of Loving
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